No, I’m not naming a zine, although that title sure sounds like it.  Instead, I’m stating in the most clear and simplest way possible what I’m feeling right now.  I do not think that I have ever felt so scared, and confused, and physically anxious in my life.  It’s times like this that I really wish being in an awesome, long term relationship didn’t wipe clean all memory of previous relationships.  Because right now I think I could really benefit from memories of being in high school and heartbroken, or from a time or two in college that I was down in the dumps, lower than the dumps.  I wish I remembered what it felt like when I was 16 and swore I would never love again – only to be corrected a few months later.  Or eff that, I don’t want to be reminded that I’ll find a new love.  Because I don’t want a new love.

Right now, I wish my older sis was sitting next to me, rubbing my back and telling me to breath.  I wish she was here telling me that it’s going to be okay.  I don’t want to rush ahead and find a new boyfriend.  Not even in the slightest.  I just want to be told that one day in the near future, I’ll understand the decisions that I’ve made, and that I’ll believe in them.  I want to know that some day in the near future I won’t feel like a royal bleeping bleep.  I want to hear that my thoughts and feelings and decisions are valid, and I want to know that one day he’ll forgive me.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so confused by my own mixed up mind.  How can I be feeling two totally different things?  Wanting to be single, but wanting to be spooning with him tonight.  Wanting him to love me, but wanting him to let me go…

“Her best days are some of my worst,
She’ll find a man and a man who’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
’cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, and
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay.”

- The Script, Falling to Pieces