Despite the fact that this past weekend turned out to be pretty devastating, it didn’t always feel so sad.  In fact, I had a rather fabulous weekend in Maine. What else is new?  I love home.

Friday: Sleep, snooze, zzzzz.  Boyfriend and I left Boston fairly late due to his 8PM men’s baseball league..

Just past midnight I dropped him off at his house, and made my way through the dark back to Portland.  The night was chilly, such a hint of fall it was unmistakable.  Perhaps ‘hint’ is then the wrong word to use.  But the goosebumps on my arms and the smell of leaves (you know the smell), made me so, incredibly nostalgic for fall in New England.  Back to reality, it’s Friday night in late August.  I get home, crash.  It feels so good to sleep in my own bed.  With the windows cracked open I can literally hear the wind, feel the breeze, and I wrap myself in my down comforter.  I’m in love.

Saturday: 6:45AM.  The dog barks.  My mum is yelling down the stairs to my dad, asking for a cup of coffee.  The early show is on my mum’s TV and I’m awake.  I mozy on down the hallway and crawl into bed with her.  When I was little I used to always watch the morning news in her bed.  The blinds are already up, and I can tell it’s going to be a beautiful day.  Weatherman tells me it will be cool – in the 70′s – and I’m in love, again.  I cannot wait for the fall, when every day will promise a cool breeze, and Friday night lights will mean football games.

8:15AM.  Mum and dad have to leave town by 10AM to head north for the day/night.  So we leave the house at just past 8 and make our way to our favorite breakfast spot on the foreside, Bernie’s.  Yogurt parfait and iced coffee. Mmm.  We drive home and my new neighbor has texted me back.  By new neighbor I mean a dear friend from college who has recently been picked up by the professional baseball league in our town.  He’s living with my real neighbors for the summer, because their family also attending Boston College, and well, we’re all friends.  So I have a professional baseball player / college friend living next door.  Summer Catch anyone?  So yes, it’s early, 9:30AM and he texted me back.  I had asked him at 8AM if he wanted to get breakfast with the family.  He was still asleep.  At 9:35AM he makes his way through the arbor way that connects our two backyards and he joins my family around the kitchen bar.  I love this neighborhood.  I love that we don’t knock on our neighbors doors; we let ourselves in.  And more often than not, we are greeted with coffee on the deck and homemade blueberry muffins.  I really love Portland.  New neighbor and I chat for a good while in the kitchen.  Mom and dad have left town by now, and my best friend Lindsey stops by to say hi.  She meets the new neighbor and I’m pretty sure she falls in love, instantly.  She’s brutally hungover, maybe it will pass.

Best friend leaves, new neighbor leaves, I go about my day.  I run errands with Lindsey, I head out around town with my new camera and take loads of pictures, and then reunite with the girls at Lauren’s condo to meet her new puppy Jackson.  I’m in love.

We go our separate ways and I take the most incredible nap for a solid hour.  The girls will be over soon – when Mum and Dad go away, yes, I will play.  I’ve invited everyone over for a bbq dinner and drinks.  We play music through the speakers and light the Tiki torches.  I love summer.

We drink, and drink, and drink and have so much fun.  Boyfriend even stops by to say hi. Soon it’s late and we head down town for a night out.

New neighbor and his brother meet us out.  We all have a blast.  End of the night comes around and I get in a fight with the boyfriend without even knowing it.  Not surprisingly this fails to phase me at 3AM on a Saturday.

Sunday: By 8AM Sunday when boyfriend calls I figure out this is not good.  No, not good at all.  But we’re still in love, so we’ll have to find a way to fix this, I think.  We fight, and we start to talk about a break up.  A break.  Some time apart.  Maybe not?  Maybe it’s necessary?  Maybe we’re too hungover to have a serious talk.  We hang up and all of a sudden a months worth of indifference and 24 months of love come pouring out.  I cried for the majority of Sunday morning.  At least until he came over in person, and we talked more.  We talked and I cried and he drove off.  Is this where we take a break?

I couldn’t tell you, because I had a full day of wedding planning ahead of me.  Mum, dad, sister and I go to lunch at our favorite outdoor taco bar and afterwards Mum, sis and I go mother-of-the-bride dress shopping.  Boyfriend and I keep calling, and texting and the last thing I care about is my mother’s dress.  Sorry Mum.

I try not to think about everything that’s going on, but it’s pretty much impossible.  I tell my mum and sister that I’m going to hyperventilate or throw up or cry if we sit in this stupid boutique any longer.  They drive me home and I crash on the couch until Lindsey and Lindsay pick me up.  They’re driving me back to Boston because when you share a car with a now ex-boyfriend, it’s weird.  He drove the car back to Boston.  I sleep in the backseat of Lindsey’s car for 2 hours.  I arrive home in Boston, and ex-boyfriend comes over.  We talk, he yells, I cry.  We don’t break up yet.  But he leaves and I sleep.

No matter how bad I should think this weekend went, I cry and fall asleep thinking I had a lot of fun with my friends.   I don’t know yet that tomorrow this break up will be official, and by Tuesday I’ll be ‘single’ on Facebook.

I wonder when my thoughts will catch up with my tears, and when I’ll actually realize the magnitude of what’s happening.